Wake the FUCK up!
Wake the FUCK up!
My therapist told me recently “wake up, you’re asleep, man!”
I’ve been trying on this mantra:
“Wake the FUCK up !!”
It’s true I fall asleep into patterns and reactions based on who I think I am and what’s important—on the demands, beliefs and expectations I have on others and the world.
It’s so gratifying to play out these old dramas—these young places—the pleasure of pursuing what I didn’t get as a child—a pleasure akin to picking a scab and making it bleed. Over and over again.
I asked someone for their last piece of their gum the other day and they said “no”.
The old voice my head, contraction in my body:
“You don’t care about me; If you did, you’d give me your last piece.”
And….I’m gone. My nervous system is firing… My body is tense… I’m asleep at the wheel. I’m “triggered”.
Attempting to prove/confirm my old story that no one cares about me, planning out petty punishments, the unwillingness to accept their “no” even while passing a store that sold gum. It’s (perhaps not so) obviously not about gum—I am acting out a childhood struggle.
My therapist plays out the “adult” point of view:
Me: “They need to give me the gum to prove they care about me”
Therapist: “Who cares, let them have their gum, this isn’t the hill to die on, get your own gum if you want gum.”
Me: “But it’s not fair, I’d give them my last piece of gum.”
Therapist: “There’s no such thing as ‘fair’. They’re allowed to say ‘no’—and still care about you.”
A clear invitation to “wake up”.
When I’m asleep or not aware of my demands and I’m constantly aiming to avoid the painful feelings from childhood, I see the world as black and white. I reduce people to objects and don’t see them clearly. I harbour resentments and make decisions about who they are that can’t possibly be true. I wipe them out.
I am finding the more I wake up to what’s happening inside me, my demands, fears, longings and needs, the more responsibility for myself and my life I can take. When I’m taking more responsibility, I feel less victimized and begin to see the world with more nuance and compassion as opposed to good/bad. New possibilities arise.
I know I still owe people in my life amends for making them my enemy. I’m sure more will be revealed the more and more I “WAKE THE FUCK UP”
Love to you all,
Dov